Office Etiquette

The office environment is one of professionals; business minded folk who, even if just within the confines of 9am-5pm, behave with dilligence, fortitude, and class.

This is not always the case, however, in the Ladie's Room and in the instances of going #2.

Now, I completely understand the need to go #2 at work. Now and again I've been forced to utilize the facilities for that very purpose. However, nothing grosses me out or irritates me more than the "I'm-not-moving-a-muscle-so-noone-knows-what-I'm-doing-in-here" pooper. You know who I mean: The ones who, as soon as you walk in, get deadly quiet (not even breathing quiet) and practically lift their feet off the floor to avoid discovery.

Let me break it to you easy, honey: We ALL know what you're doing in there. And some of you are FAR from being quiet. Just go. You're already your own worst enemy and your idiocy and body are conspiring against you: the dead rodent smell eminating from your stall, the ass-flapping escapee farts and grunts you try to hide under the sound of a flushing toilet, and, oh yeah, the locked freakin' door. Oh right, NO ONE's in here...wink, wink.

I understand the embarassment that accompanies having to go #2 in the possible midst of strangers, especially when you're dottin' cotton and HAVE to get it out. Yes, yes, I can see how that could be disconcerting. You are, however, somewhat well protected by a fairly sturdy stall, and guess what? We don't have x-ray vision, sweetheart. No one will know it was you.

My advice (yes, you were asking): Just let it all go. I'm getting awfully close to calling you out and telling you, "I know what you're doing in there! Just do it already." I've also considered waiting until you've conducted your final flush and left the safety of your stall, and then confronting you. There goes your anonymity. Really, it's completely obnoxious and unnecessary. I'd rather that you were an honest pooper...not some scaredy-cat hiding behind a door, clenching your cheeks together and praying to whatever god you believe in that no one discovers your dirty little secret.

You know, if it really bothers you that much, maybe you should clean those pipes before coming to work.