The Pregnancy Diaries, Part I

Weeks 1-4:
I am completely unaware that I'm pregnant. My days look like this: Work, School, Softball, repeat. Add in some ciggs and some beer -- hey, it's softball season. Don't judge me: I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT.

Week 5:
I'm highlighting this week, because this is the week I found out I was pregnant. And, because it's such an entertaining story, we'll expand.

It was a Wednesday afternoon at the office. As I'm leaving the restroom, my sweet friend Amber looks up from the reception desk and asks me (out of nowhere): "Are you pregnant?"

After the urge to thank her for thinking I'm pregnant with a punch to the face passes, it does get my mind going. My period is a few days late. But, there's no way I'm pregnant. I mean, that's just crazy. But, still...I wonder...so, I finish out my day, and go home to grab one of my stashed pregnancy tests. I usually reserve taking these for when I've had a few glasses of wine, and I think having a baby is the BEST idea EVER. "We would make such GREAT parents *Hiccup*...don't you think? Honey? Troy! You never pay attention to me -- ugh! Why aren't you paying attention to me? *Hiccup*Are you passed out?" And, I'm always a teensy bit disappointed when right away the bitchy tests say, "Better luck next time, but your husband thanks you for playing."

T's in the kitchen, making dinner. I head to the restroom, ready to pee like I've never peed before. Ready. Set. Pee.

One line. Plus sign. All in a matter of ten seconds. Oh. My. God.

Suddenly, everything is blurry. There's a ringing in my ears, as I shake the test, gently at first and then more violently, trying to force my usual reading out of it. Fuuuuckkkk. It's not working. Why isn't it working? Why can't I SEE anything?!?! Oh my god, I'm blind! Why am I only seeing a plus sign?? Oh, whew, I'm not blind! The fucking test is broken. My test is broken!!

I stumble out of the bathroom, test in one hand, instructions in the other, underwear around my ankles. Troy notices the underwear before anything, and a hopeful look lights up his face. Could it be? Is "Skanky Abbey" back, without even any wine? Then he sees the box. Then the test. Then my face. Hope for kinky kitchen sex fades as I hold the test out, shaking it accusingly at him. "Look at this. What does this say? What did you do? What did you do?!?! "

Troy: You're pregnant? You're pregnant. You're pregnant!

Me: Nope. No. No, I'm not. Nope. These things are wrong all the time. This is not happening.

Troy: Yeaaaaaaaa, these instructions say you're pregnant.

I can't breathe...I can't BREATHE! Somehow, I make it outside, stumbling around like a wasted 19 year-old-girl at her first frat party. I rock myself back and forth, half laughing, half crying -- this is straight out of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". T coaxes me back inside, with promises of dinner and fancy things like mashed potatoes. Thankfully, I'm able to focus and eat, even while my mind goes crazy. Suddenly, with my mouth full of steak, mashed potatoes and corn (the perfect bite), I'm enlightened! A light bulb clicks in my head. I have 2 tests! I'll just take it and put this whole nonsense to rest. This one isn't likely to be nearly as treacherous as the first!

Ready. Set. Pee.

One line. Plus sign. All in a matter of 5 seconds this time.

For the next twelve hours, I can't even comprehend what is happening. I Google to find out how far along I am: 5 weeks, 3 days. I call my sister. I call my mom. I call Erin. I tell them that I took some defunct tests that said I was pregnant, but that I'm really not pregnant, so don't get your hopes up that I'm pregnant. I haven't taken a "real" test at the doctor's office.

Erin: Well, you can go to the doctor and pee on their stick for $300 and they'll tell you the same thing, if you want. But, you're pregnant.

The next morning, I stop at Albertsons and buy a 3-pack of tests, my mind reeling. How is it possible that the one time we have sex this year, I get pregnant? Was I wasted? How did this happen? I must've been asleep. That's it, T did it while I was asleep! I take the tests throughout the day, each one coming back with a plus sign faster than the one before. I start to sense a conspiracy going on. To test my theory, I call the doctor's office.

Me: I've only taken five tests, but they all came back positive. So, I'm not sure if you need to see me at all. I mean, I only took five. I'm not really sure if I'm pregnant or not.

Nurse: Well, after five tests, my guess is that you're pregnant. Let's go ahead and schedule you. The doctor likes to see patients who are 8 or more weeks along, so, we'll see you in 3 weeks.

Me: Wait, that's it? What am I supposed to do in the meantime? What am I supposed to do with it (I whisper and point to my belly, as if she can see me) for three more weeks?

Nurse: Oh, is this your first pregnancy?

Me: Are you fucking serious? Does it sound like I've been through this before, and I just enjoy taking five pregnancy tests ($35, mind you) so I can call and ask you if you think I'm really pregnant? Are you fucking kidding me?

Ok, I didn't really say that.

Me: Yes, it is.

Nurse: Well you should buy a prenatal vitamin and take that every day. Other than that, just take care of yourself, keep doing whatever you've been doing, and we'll see you soon.

Me: (silently) Fuck.

And that, folks, is how we found out we were pregnant. It turns out that there was no conspiracy going on, in case you were wondering.